What to do when you and your partner have different sex drives?

Experiencing a different sex drive from your partner is more common than you think. It is quite natural for two people in a relationship to have different sex drives. Therefore, it is not unlikely that you and your partner might have different drives when it comes to intimacy. There are physical and emotional reasons for experiencing a lower or a higher sex drive. Over and above, the current lockdown has added an entirely different set of issues, anxieties and worries. Whether you are missing your daily routine or struggling with other challenges, know that it can affect your intimate life.

For every couple that is bemoaning being stuck together in this lockdown, there are those who are yearning for each other’s touch. So if you are feeling a bit out of the zone and ‘not in the mood’, realize that it is perfectly normal. Also, some people have been experiencing higher-than-usual sex drives and are craving long sex. This may have you worried and stressed out, but do not go overthinking about it.

However, if you are still looking for help or sex advice on how to go about dealing with sex drives, read on-

1. Communication is the key

The lockdown is hitting each one of us differently. Every person’s response to the current situation may be different. Some may crave solace in intimacy, while some may close themselves off. Whatever be the effect of the lockdown, it is essential to talk to your partner about this. You may feel hesitant at first, but you can try out different approaches. A good way is pouring your heart out in a letter. It is easy to express your emotions with a pen and paper. Let your partner in on your insecurities and let them know how you are feeling. It is very important to let your partner know what is bothering you because only he/she will be able to help you through this difficult time without being judgmental about it.

2. It starts with you

With everyone self-isolating at home during the lockdown, dressing up has gone for a toss. Wearing the same T-shirt or set of sweat pants does nothing for your self-esteem. Though there should be no need to dress up to impress your partner, it can help make you feel desirable and confident. It can help you do things that can boost your confidence and make you feel good about yourself, like wearing your favourite outfit, doing your hair and applying make-up. You can even call up and gossip with your friends, or go for a run if that is what makes you happy. At the end of the day, what matters is how good you feel about yourself, because, that is what may help you satisfy your partner.

3. Contraception matters

Once you have talked about your anxieties and issues with your partner, it is time to think about contraception. Another thing that might be affecting your sex drive is access to your usual methods of contraception. You may be apprehensive about getting intimate if you cannot get your preferred method of contraception like pills or any other form of contraception. If this is the case, consider going for condoms. Condoms are a proven way to prevent unwanted pregnancies. What is more, they can keep you safe from STIs too. They are easily available in pharmacies, and you can also purchase them online.

4. Talk out loud

Now that you have opened up about your feelings, it is time that the conversation got more intimate. How about talking to your partner about all the things you always wanted to do or explore? Go on, it never hurts to be a bit adventurous and try out different sex positions and sex styles. Also, there is a wide range of condoms in the market- from unique flavoured ones to those that ensure that you have long sex. Talk about trying them out with your partner. If you are apprehensive about it, take it slow. Ease yourself into the topic by talking about what they do in bed that you love. You can then slowly open up and take the conversation a step further.

5. Be spontaneous

Lockdown means we are staying at home, this means more time at hand; so naturally, this should translate to more bedroom time. NO! It cannot be further from the truth. Seeing your partner 24x7 can lead to over-familiarity. You may begin to notice and worry about things and traits in your partner that are quite normal and irrelevant. In this case, spontaneity can help. Do not plan things. Be sudden. Be spontaneous. However, make sure to set the mood and ensure consent before you proceed!

6. Flirt your way to glory

When you have been together for a long time, things begin to mellow down. The thrill of the chase becomes a distant memory. New couples, too, might have quickly moved on past the honeymoon phase in the lockdown. However, small things like complimenting and expressing love are essential for any relationship. Make sure to compliment, flirt and even tease your partner a bit. Holding eye contact for a little longer, playful touches and smiles can go a long way in easing the tension and adding to the intimacy between you.

7. Foreplay

Now that you are done communicating your emotions, talking about how you feel, and working on your anxieties, it is time to prepare for the grand finale. However, there comes an important thing before that- foreplay! Though the best foreplay is unplanned, you can talk to your partner about this in advance. Ask them about what they like and what they don’t. Talk about sensations and touch. You can even add lubes and massage oils to the mix to take intimacy to a new level. These could help give you a memorable finish.

You can implement these sex tips in your life if the sex drives of you and your partner aren’t the same. However, a thing to remember here is, mutual consent is very important in all acts of intimacy. Remember to talk to your partner before proceeding with anything. Just because they were in the mood some time ago, does not mean that they are now. Also, different people might have different opinions on how long sex should last. The times are tough, and anxiety is at an all-time high. It is understandable if you are not in the mood. However, easing into sex can help you connect with your partner and also serve as a great distraction from all the worry surrounding us.

The blog is based on author's opinion and references taken from available literature on websites and journals